The Clematis is Flowering. It’s Pumpkin Competition Time.

The Winter Clematis is out. It’s time to launch into a frenzy of preparation for the pumpkin competition. Hopefully the other entrants are all small children so I am in with a chance.

Winter Clematis

I don’t agree with competitions. Art should not be judged. But an evil competitive streak has been awakened. The seven stages of entering a pumpkin competition begin.

Step one Choose a setting.

Land waiting to be cleared
Right beside the Clematis, a symbol of ingenuity and artifice. Think original, yet cunning.

Step two. Clear the area senseless.

After the land is cleared
Nothing puts you in a state of flow like clearing land. It must be a basic human need, but also the cause of all our problems. Apologise to the ivy as you go along.

Step three. Assess your pumpkin. Decide there is more chance of winning with multiple pumpkins.

Pumpkins for sale
Go to pumpkin shop quickly

In my haste to get the largest pumpkin of them all I accidentally chose the rottenest. Will the pumpkin rot out before the weekend? Or can it be carved around the rotten bit? Gather butternut squash as backup.

Step Four. Carve. On reflection this could be where we fell down. A pumpkin takes 10 minutes to carve. It has a hole in the head, two eyes, a mouth and maybe a nose. How was I to know that Other People would be doing baby pumpkins within pumpkins, 3D hands coming out of bloody pumpkins, spider lace effect witchery and, sinking to emotional blackmail, intricate lettering saying ‘NHS’ all over the place? Some of the pumpkins had wigs and others were dressed up randomly as pirates. Why pirates? There should be guidelines on all this. If you refer back to the competition poster on last week’s post you will see that there were none. The whole thing is a travesty. 

Step Five.  Lay out your pumpkins. 

Pumpkin display in daylight
Do this when other people in the house are not looking. They will want to take part and express opinions. Get out there on your own for total power.

Sept Six.  Add lights and smoke.

Pumpkins in the dark
As darkness falls the pressure will increase.  Keep your temper and don’t panic about illuminating the tree in exactly the right way. It is not the Turner prize. Remember that smoke machines and main roads don’t mix. In fact, take the smoke machine away.

Step Seven. Lurk around. Happen to casually walk out when families pass by.

Try not to be disappointed if they don’t say admiringly ‘Did you do this?’ Resist the urge to video cars stopping and reversing to look.  It feels good at the time but a car driving backwards is not interesting on your phone.

So now the long wait to see who won. This is how it must feel in America. Luckily time flies when you are panic buying pasta and it’s that time of year again too.

Back in the garden, there are leaves everywhere and something has to be done about them.

Chicken and leaves

9 thoughts on “The Clematis is Flowering. It’s Pumpkin Competition Time.”

  1. Sounds stressful! And then to be ecologically sound you have to eat pumpkin soup. Yuk! I’m glad I’m hidden away. Good luck 🍀

  2. Brilliant post Jo. Bonny’s obsrvation on competing is so true 🙂 and remember it’s the taking part that counts -right? Looking forward to the next post with the resultsxx

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